Today I spent the better portion of my ‘time for productivity’ with a headache staring at a job advertisement description for a job I don’t need or want. This somehow translated in my head to guilt because I wasn’t applying for it, and shame because I wouldn’t get it if I did.
I then made myself an absolutely cracking cup of coffee and chose to ignore everything in the world until 3pm. At 3pm I will switch to mum-mode.
Mum-mode is easy, and quite pleasant for me, because my children are in primary school now and they are actually really nice people to be around most of the time. I no longer need to do much for them in the practical sense….it’s emotional availability and physical presence that they require and that is something I can give in spades. When they ask me what I have done today I will either make something up, or add some embellishments (“I worked today”….for 30 minutes…. “I did some study”….I thought about study…) This is just so they can feel good that their mum isn’t a complete enigma to them and others.
At 5:30ish I will switch on wife-mode. Wife-mode is also pleasant because I both love and like my husband. He is one of those men who other people notice is wonderful and I am often told how lucky I am to have him. I am, it’s true. I used to retort defensively that he is equally lucky to have me, but nowadays I tend to just smile because it’s no longer such a convincing argument in my own head.
As I write this, I suppose I am in what can only be described as Me-mode. And that is where things get murky. The clichéd kind of murky that educated woman who were raised to ‘have it all’ try very hard to clarify.
Me-mode is a pleasant place for me. I just have one hugely enormous, glaringly embarrassing space in my life where a successful career should be….and it is a telling sign that all of my words just dried up and disappeared the minute I started this paragraph.
It’s ten minutes to three o’clock….